I am turning into a nocturnal creature; either a zombie or a vampire as I haven’t been able to sleep for two days and counting. I refuse to believe that I am an insomniac as I already have various labels that define me like annoying yellow post-its admonishing you to do this or remember that. Bipolar, overweight, type two diabetic and don’t forget struggling, poor author.
However, the only evidence I can find of being bitten by a vampy creature, is a miniscule hole on my third toe. I have no idea how I hurt myself, thus the only explanation is a blind octogenarian vampire with a single sharp tooth. Therefore I am now slowly turning, at a snail’s pace, because face it an octogenarian vampire’s poison is not as virile as it once used to be, into a batty creature. Wait, haven’t I always been batty? The answer is a resounding yes- I can even hear the choir saying: “Amen!” They frequently have to scrape me off the walls with a spatula, and besides which, I am sure I have seen my son hanging upside down in a shadowy corner of his room. It must run in the family, unfortunately.
The only other option is that I must be an undercover, non-conformant zombie. I don’t do the rags thing; it just looks untidy and I, as a writer, refuse to make monosyllabic grunts and groans. The question remains- where is my zombie bite? I cannot believe that a true zombie would be satisfied with an eight of a millimetre of my flesh. The only other mark I could find was a vicious looking bee sting. No, I did not calmly remove the stinger with a credit card, I panicked and slapped at it frantically, which of course just released more poison into my bloodstream. Now the mark is an angry, bluish red. Are bees now the familiars of a new zombie race? If so, then I am slowly turning into a dreaded zombie or a bee.
There is neither rhyme nor reason to the sleeplessness. My mind is just way too busy to shut down even though I have sent a memo to Sir Laughalot, the hamster that is patiently running on his yellow wheel in my brain, to please either get down, slow down or else…
I am, however, not entirely sure what the else entails as I have never had to warn him about anything before. Perhaps I should switch off the lights in his room. He would fall asleep and perhaps then, so would I. Wish me luck as I desperately try to sleep…